The Real Housewives of Monterey Park (RHoMP)

What’s up Bravo?  I’ve got a bone to pick with you.

Here’s my question.  Why isn’t there a reality TV show on your network that features an entire cast of catty, overdramatic Asian women?  Is it because there just aren’t that many feisty Asian women?  Or is it because we aren’t drama queen enough for you?

You’ve pretty much covered all the bases with almost every other skin color.  Now I understand that movies and TV (reality shows included) overwhelmingly feature predominantly Caucasian casts, but there seems to be a bit more parity over there at Bravo, particularly in the Real Housewives reality series.

I mean it’s kind of like the United Colors of Benetton.  Except it’s totally not because you’re missing a color: Yellow, dude.  Over-dramatic bitchiness and drama runs in all skin colors, though perhaps not all of it is reality TV worthy.

I mean you’ve already aired and filmed (or are currently filming):

– 8 seasons of the Real Housewives of Orange County (Caucasian cast)

– 5 seasons of the Real Housewives of Atlanta (African American cast)

– 5 seasons of the Real Housewives of New York City (Caucasian cast)

– 4 seasons of the Real Housewives of New Jersey (Caucasian, predominantly Italian cast)

– 3 seasons of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Caucasian cast)

– 2 seasons of the Real Housewives of Miami (Caucasian, Latin American cast)

– 2 seasons of the Real Housewives of Vancouver (Caucasian cast)

– 2 seasons of the Shahs of Sunset (Middle Eastern, predominantly Persian cast)

Seriously, the cast on the Real Housewives… of Vancouver BC… consists entirely of white chicks?  (OK, there is a token half-Japanese-half-Caucasian housewife) but you have got to be joking, right?  The city of Vancouver is 30% Chinese and over 50% of its population is a visible minority!  And I’m not even talking about that suburb across the bridge Richmond BC, where it’s 40% Chinese, and over 65% of the population is a visible minority.  65% isn’t a minority anymore!  Come on Bravo/Slice!

Now Bravo, I’m sure that you can do better in representing a few missing segments in the Benetton color palate, and follow some real Asian housewives living in Monterey Park or Cupertino (RHoC) to come up with some really good stuff.  Maybe you’d end up with the Real Housewives version of this:

But, my guess is that you’d probably film more scenes that might look like these.  (Disclaimer: I’m no screenwriter, so please excuse formatting and other basic screenwriting errors.  The cut and paste from Word with all the screenwriting formatting didn’t quite work out in this post.  If you’re not interested in the scenes, feel free to skip down to the bottom for conclusions.)

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. LOCAL KUMON CENTER IN A SUBURBAN STRIP MALL – DAY

Typical Kumon center with fluorescent lights, filled with bland IKEA office furniture and bright kid’s desks and chars.

The crowded room is filled with mostly Asian grade-school children quietly doing Kumon exercises in workbooks.

The entrance door swings open, and a breathless ASIAN MOM 1 rushes into the center with designer handbag in tow.  She glances with paranoia over her shoulder.

ASIAN MOM 1 rushes straight to the Kumon office, past the teachers and students demanding to speak to the KUMON OWNER.

ASIAN MOM 1

I was told that I could register my 3^rd grader for Kumon tutoring here.  I’d like to do that right now if possible.

KUMON OWNER

(smiling)

Yes, of course.  You are lucky as we have only one third grade spot left at this particular location.  Otherwise, you’d have to try your luck at the Kumon center down the…

ASIAN MOM 1

(cuts off KUMON OWNER, glances sideways)

YES yes, I know.  That’s why I’m here.  Give me the papers.  I’ll sign them.  I’ll also cut you a check right now for the full amount.  I want a guarantee that my child has the last spo…

Before ASIAN MOM 1 can finish her sentence, cut to ASIAN MOM 2 poorly parking her Lexus RX350 in the strip mall parking lot and slamming the door.  ASIAN MOM 2 then rushes towards the Kumon center.

Cut back to ASIAN MOM 1 as she fumbles around into her designer handbag to bring out her checkbook, and frantically writes a check before ASIAN MOM 2 reaches the KUMON OWNER.

KUMON OWNER

(confused)

Normally, we like to meet the children before we accept them, and since you’re in such a hurry and ready to pay…

ASIAN MOM 1 successfully cuts the check and hands it to the KUMON OWNER (with flourish) before ASIAN MOM 2 enters the office.

ASIAN MOM 1 has just successfully snagged the last tutoring spot for that particular Kumon center.

ASIAN MOM 2

(breathless, agitated, pointing finger at ASIAN MOM 1)

You bitch!  I was the one who gave you the intel that the Kumon at this location is close to capacity.  You knew I was going to sign up Madison at this location and you sabotaged me!

ASIAN MOM 1

(feigning innocence)

I have no idea what you’re talking about.  I was planning on registering Leighton here all along.  Besides, you’re too late.  Seems this Kumon location is now at capacity.

 (pause)

Early bird gets the worm.

ASIAN MOM 2

(primal scream)

This is so not ok!  Why are you lying to me, girl?  You evil scheming dragon lady!  You knew I had to do the carpool pick up for the girls today after school so I wouldn’t be free till now!

(pause)

Well, I can confidently say Leighton won’t be having any more playdates with Madison.

(pause)

In fact, I going to slap you so hard you won’t be able to find your MDX in the parking lot!

A melee ensues with both ASIAN MOM 1 and ASIAN MOM 2 wrestling each other to the ground, knocking over the chairs and tables.

Both Asian moms use their large designer handbags as bludgeoning weapons.

Children look on.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

 ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. HOT NEW RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Crowded sleek restaurant is packed with 20-30-something well-dressed professional-looking singles and couples.

Everyone is having a good time, eating and drinking.  Atmosphere is loud.

20-something Asian couple sit across and ignore each other, engrossed in glow of their respective smart phones.

ASIAN WOMAN smiles and giggles to herself as she gleefully snaps photos of the beautiful gourmet dishes to post onto her Instagram feed.

ASIAN MAN is texting on phone.

ASIAN WOMAN

(horrified)

Oh. My. God.  Baaaabe.  I can’t believe this!

ASIAN MAN

(preoccupied with texting)

Wha?… What’s wrong?

ASIAN WOMAN

Ugh!  There’s no way!  My nemesis beat me to it on Instagram!  iluvhellokitty888 has already posted up photos of all the chef’s tasting dishes here!  How?!  I snagged us one of the first tables available opening week!

ASIAN MAN

Maybe she knows someone who works here.  Don’t worry about it, babe.  Your Instagram and blog has thousands of followers.  Besides your pics are way be better than hers!

ASIAN WOMAN

(dejected)

Thanks babe.  But what’s the point?  I’m only as good a blogger as my ability to post up food photos fast.  Evil iluvhellokitty888!  I bet she’s bribing the manager with cute hello kitty gifts in order to scoop me.

(pause)

She’s even got the entire tasting menu text up already!  Bitch!

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. ASIAN GROCERY STORE (RANCH 99 or H-MART) – DAY

SMUG MRS. HUANG is pushing shopping cart through the sauce section of the Asian grocery store when she spots SMUG MRS. LIU at the end of the aisle.

SMUG MRS. HUANG

Oh, hello Mrs. Liu!  How are you?

SMUG MRS. LIU

Mrs. Huang.  How nice to see you!  How is Josh doing?

SMUG MRS. HUANG

(beaming)

Josh is doing good, so good.  He just graduated with his Masters in Computer Science from Stanford and got a job at Google.  Mr. Huang and I are so happy that he is staying close to home for work too, just like college!

(pause)

Josh is such a good boy, unlike my lazy younger son.

(pause)

Anyways, how is Rebecca these days?

SMUG MRS. LIU

(also beaming)

Rebecca is doing so good too!  She just started her third year at Harvard Law.  I hope she comes back to the Bay Area when she graduates.

(pause)

By the way, is Josh still dating that gwei mui, what was her name?

SMUG MRS. HUANG

(with glee)

Oh wonderful news.  No!  So relieved!  They broke up after graduation.  They had been dating for almost one whole year!

(pause, then smiles and winks)

If Rebecca comes back home, perhaps we can have you all over for dinner!!

SMUG MRS. LIU

Ahhhh!  That sounds wonderful.  Though, we’re not sure if she will come back since her 2L summer internship was at a law firm in New York.  But we will see!

SMUG MRS. LIU bids SMUG MRS. HUANG goodbye and each pushes their shopping carts in opposite directions.

LATER

INT. HUANG KITCHEN TABLE – NIGHT

SMUG MRS. HUANG is seated at the dining room table looking over her younger son PHIL’s report card.

She stops, her eyes widening, and then she stops breathing.

SMUG MRS. HUANG

(screaming)

Phil!  Come downstairs now!  I want to talk to you about your report card!

(pause)

What, what is this?!  Never have I seen this before, ever!  Never!

Cut to PHIL running down the stairs to the dining table from his room.

PHIL is frightened and fidgets as he sits across his mother at the dining table.

PHIL

(stuttering, trembling)

Uh… uh, Mom.  So you got my report card.  Let me explain.  You see there was this group project and…

SMUG MRS. HUANG

(irate)

What is this strange symbol next to English?  Why English??  You are American!

(pause)

Aiya!  Explain to me why there is a B+ symbol on this report card!  Never have I seen this symbol anywhere on your older brother Josh’s report cards.  Never. Ever.  Explain to me now!

PHIL

(stuttering, starting to cry)

Uh… um, I’m sorry Mom.  But I got As in every single other subject, including AP Calculus, AP Chemistry, AP Physics and even PE!

(sniffles)

We had this group project in English, and there was this girl in my group who was…

SMUG MRS. HUANG

(livid)

Enough!  No excuses.  Phil.  I’m very very disappointed in you.

(pause)

You must be punished for your laziness and this, this B+!  In real life, there are consequences, and you must pay.  Bring me the back scratcher!

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

 

So, Bravo, are none of these scenes dramatic enough for you?  Is it because you don’t believe Asian women living in the suburbs and who tend to rear high-achieving offspring won’t also bitch slap one other (or at least bitch slap their kids with a back scratcher?)

Have you not read Amy Chua’s bestselling book?  Have you learned nothing?

Asian women can be cray cray too.  So naturally, there should be a Real Housewives Bravo reality TV series focusing on them too.

I guess what you’re subliminally telling us that most Asians have super lame hobbies (obsessively taking photos of our food with our phone cameras) and that we don’t run in influential entertainment or political social circles (well, yes, both true and obvious.)

But you know what?  You need us.  Why?  Read this article.  Look ahead.  We all know the demographic future of America doesn’t look overwhelmingly Caucasian like it does on Real Housewives.  You’ve come a long way, Bravo.  (I still remember when you were just a small cable channel that exclusively broadcast subtitled foreign films without commercial interruption.  You were my favorite channel back then.)

And now you’ve evolved into one of the leading reality TV giants with your own standing army of #Bravolebrities.

But you still have a ways to go.

With that I’ll leave you with some of the funniest skits on YouTube about growing up in the US with first generation Asian immigrant parents.  Perhaps this is a glimpse into what RHoMP  (or RHoC) could look like, but with better hair and clothes.

12 million combined views on YouTube ain’t too shabby.